I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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