I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
