I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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