Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
