I just gift wrapped bread.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
