Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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