Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
