Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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