It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
