Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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