final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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