She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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