miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
