Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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