when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
