Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
i've created a new STD.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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