Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
