sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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