After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You left your phone here
Wait...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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