Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
