just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
