Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize