I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I just threw up on my dentist
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
