I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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