I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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