He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
