I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize