new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
