I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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