How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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