I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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