i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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