I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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