My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
