I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
