Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
