If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
we have pet lesbian snakes
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
