I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
