I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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