This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
