Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize