so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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