So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
