worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
