someone owes me an orgasm
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Life is so much better after having sex.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
