i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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