Whod you bang
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
