honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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