how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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