My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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