Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
