he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
