Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Houston, we have a blender
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
This is my gift to your gina
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
