you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
