You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
