I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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