dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
