well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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