I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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