you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
