my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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