I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
